Trying to put aside the fact that on first impressions, Rita Ora annoyed the fuck out of me. I decided to close that door and open a new, more tolerable gate and allow Ora’s oral lingerings into my speakers. Upon hearing ‘R.I.P’ for the four thousandth time this month on the radio it was pretty safe to assume that the album will most likely be equally as annoying. Due to the fact that ‘R.I.P’ has been completely overplayed, absolutely everywhere, it’s very close-minded to just completely rule Rita Ora’s music out of your playlist after one song. Let me tell you now kids, there is absolutely no point in listening to the full album. ‘R.I.P’ gave us a taste of what Rita Ora is capable of, and it was wank back at the start, now after 12 tracks and about 40 mins worth of music, it doesn’t get any jizzier.

If it gets to a point where your partner with the musical taste of a Dulux Dog (she listens to chart music and that Grime type stuff people keep “churpsing” about) asks you to turn the record off, then you know you’re in for some hard listening. Two tracks in and it was a big thumbs down from the missus – not a great start.

Now with three number-one singles under her belt, and this album rocking the number 1 album chart spot, you would have thought that at least one track is worth checking out. Even for a few mins as background music. You guessed right by the tone of my typing that this isn’t the case at all. Each track moulds into each other with the same monotonous attempt at being a number one dance floor hit. However, she must be doing something right as previously mentioned that three of the singles (‘Hot Right Now’, ‘How We Do (Party)’ and ‘R.I.P.’) featured on the album achieved however many sales you need nowadays to get a number one. For the record, that percentage of the population probably clicked by accident on their iTunes – FACT.

Scanning through the twelve tracks to find something actually worth listening to is like taking a piss whilst doing a handstand. Everything about it is wet, pissy and difficult to endure. There is boredom actually written into the music itself, an essence of puke is in there, copious amounts of cat shit (the worst kind of cat shit – the stuff that has dried-up, and then re-opened when you run over it with your lawnmower) and a fundamental skankidge of recycled sounds. The only thing to salvage from the album is DJ Fresh applying a drum ‘n’ bass beat to ‘Hot Right Now’ and making an appearance on ‘Fall In Love’ (however, Rita actually applies the lyrics “Fa la la la la” into this track to spread that potent cat shit back in there).

Without that push from Jay-Z’s Roc Nation, Rita Ora would most likely have no influence in the industry and would sell half as many records. This tag that artists like Rita Ora nowadays seem to have can become so frustrating and so clear to us that this is simply a money-maker, targeting the percentage of the population with no clue as to what they are listening to. For those of you reading this, you know all of that bullshit already.

Anyone reading music reviews nowadays actually cares for what they put into their ears. So read clearly on this one: just don’t even bother. The time it has taken to sit down and listen to this record all the way through over the past week, giving it a fair listen, trying to scrape something from the bottom of this shit-pan of a record, it pains me to have wasted so much time when there are so many artists out there that deserve my time. So instead of listening to this, please for Christ’s sake find something else to check out and spend your hard earned cash on. More importantly, the calories I’ve burned typing into the keyboard has annoyed me the most – just so you know how livid I am right now.

Rita Ora – Ora is out now. Please don’t buy it.

The following tracks are fictional and do not appear on Rita Ora‘s album, however they are definitely worth checking out instead of Ora:

‘The Bottle Bank @ Your Local Coop’
‘A Dog Farting Into A Carrier Bag’
‘Every Single Ring Tone In A Nokia 3210 On The Back Of A Bus’

Categories: Music